Incorrect Response

Just got out of my Kaplan class. Bad class. I arrived late thanks to LA traffic and consequently missed the Logic Games review session. Then I picked the wrong order to tackle the Logic Games pacing section. I fell into the trap of wasting close to 13 minutes on the hardest problem and ultimately finished only 2 out of 4 problems. I was disengaged for the remaining two hours, allowing my mind to wander through my imaginary life as a paralegal (not a lawyer) married to my ex-boyfriend from college. Oh. dear.

Reflecting on that daydream, I realized that tonight I experienced a set back. And rather than taking a deep breath, moving forward, and working towards overcoming that set back, I flirted with the idea of settling for less than what I am capable of achieving. I came home tired and frustrated and wanting a quick fix. Upon seeing my sister and her boyfriend lounging on the couch, like they do every night,  I nearly started packing my things to move out of the house… That’s my couch too… And sometimes, after a long day at work, I just want to sit on it! Yet, I haven’t sat on that couch any evening, for the last year and half since they’ve been together…because they’re always there! Sitting on my couch!!!

I am so upset right now. This is not the right response. Not at all…. i need to go to on a drive. Good bye.

Flaw

There is a moment in the process of meditation when I reach cusp of concentration – the tipping point between experiencing that blissful, carefree, weightless feeling of a quiet mind, and tumbling back down into the valley of unnecessary thoughts and worries. The cusp is a delicate place, arduously achieved and easily lost.

When I meditate, I focus on my right am. On days when I can’t concentrate, my arm feels like heavy, deadweight sewn to me with needle and thread. On a focused day, that sack of potatoes becomes a light feather that I can effortlessly raise to my forehead by the power of concentration alone. This morning, I went from forced, interrupted focus to effortless focus to that tingling feeling that borders on weightlessness, and then, just as my arm became light and buoyant,  the thought of how loud my sister was when she came home late last night made it all come crashing down.

During my last 2 practice lsat exams, I’ve lost one point, and gained one point, bringing me back to exactly where I started at a 154…That’s 10 points away from satisfaction, and 16 points away from bliss. Have I plateaued? With 28 days until test day, is there even time to improve?

A look at my scored exams shows that I will consistently answer about 1/2 of each section correctly before I start making the wrong decisions. Naturally, the test is designed that way. About 15 minutes into each section is the “danger zone” where those higher difficulty questions are strategically placed. But I think it’s more than that. I think my awareness of those difficult level questions is derailing my focus and my faith in myself and the test methods that I know will allow me to select the right answer, if I let it.

The key is to not lose focus. Distraction invites insecurity and worry.

A Note on Discipline, or Lack Thereof

I did it. I woke up at 6:30am this morning and meditated. I feel fresh and clear-headed. Now that wasn’t that bad. But it wasn’t easy either. I hit snooze 3 times before finally getting out of bed. And it was my dog scratching to be let out, and not my own will power that woke me up. Still, I did wake up, and I meditated.

There are always those inflections of impatience that arise out of my eagerness to focus. Out of my desire to focus, I actually lose focus.

This morning’s inflections of impatience:

- Ex-boyfriend

- New guy, who I’m not that into

- The Christmas gifts that I need to finish in the next few days

- The cards that I need to make for everyone at work…within the next 24 hours.

In the moment, it’s so difficult to put those thoughts aside, like they are cans of food on a shelf. In retrospect, my concerns above look so very trivial. If I get into the habit of meditating, I know that I will develop the skill to treat them as such-insignificant worries that I don’t need to worry about.

It takes 4 weeks to develop a habit? This is my 2nd day waking up at 6:30am. So far so good. Now to add in a study session each night…. damn the holidays.

Outside the Scope

Note to self: Do not watch MTV prior to meditation.

This evening’s interruptions were brought to me by:
- “16 and Pregnant”

- That poor boy in my high school class who I rejected after he spent all year long mustering up the courage to ask me out

- The rash on my chest from that itchy wool scarf I work to work today

- The Christmas card I just received in the mail that was printed off-center with a typo in the closing salutation

I haven’t been able to focus all evening. In tonight’s 4 hour long Kaplan class, I managed to daydream an entire life, in detail, that I will never live.  My teacher caught me smiling and immediately asked me translate formal logic statements for the class. I need to be present and  focus on the present.

Progress

15 minutes later, a breakthrough. For the first time in a month, I was able to focus on the present and control my thoughts during evening meditation. I was able to focus on my right arm long enough to achieve a feeling of buoyancy. Finally.

Granted, tonight’s session wasn’t interruption free. The following thoughts broke my concentration:

- This blog post
- An evening job opportunity that was presented to me this evening
- A yuppy couple wearing Christmas sweaters

Goodnight.

Purpose and Main Idea

It’s been a little more than a year since my dad passed away, and I still worry like I did in the weeks before and after his death. That is to say, I worry all the time.  Racing thoughts keep me up deep into the night, every night. My worst fears come to life in my mind’s eye, one after the other, and I can’t turn them off. It’s like that tunnel scene in the original version of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory where all the kids are captive on that scary looking canoe and they’re forced to watch those grotesque projected scenes involving creepy crawling bugs as the boat sways wildly without direction, and all the kids are freaked out because their fantasy has just become a nightmare, and no one has a  nary idea of where that boat is headed except for Willy Wonka. It ends when I cry myself to sleep or try to remember the first time I fell in love…that was the last time that I remember being carefree.

But I know now that not love, nor a psychologist can solve my problem. No, a psychologist would just tell me precisely what was wrong with me, and now, that would be too easy. More importantly, what I’m trying to do here is figure things out for myself. Seek truth, and perhaps for the first time in my entire life, make uninfluenced decisions by myself-decisions that will guide me to the correct answers in life and on the LSAT.

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